I love spending time with Bryce, so when he came and asked me to play Chutes and Ladders and Candyland with him, I agreed. Oh, the minefield I naively stepped into. :) You see, Bryce not only likes to play games, he likes to win. By saying he likes to win, I mean he apparently feels a deep seated need to win--every time. I shouldn't be surprised, I suppose, as I'm a bit competitive myself. Rissa says this is my payback for my own overly competitive ways, in fact. At the end of every game where I'm winning I'm forced to make the moral choice v. the sanity choice. In the end I believe winning leading to grief and an opportunity to teach a lesson is better than cheating to lose and effectively lying to my kid while demonstrating that he should always win. That doesn't make it less difficult to do. Today, for example, I had a choice that I could either win or let him win (within the rules) at Candyland. He looks up at me and says "Daddy, you should choose the purple card so I can win." I chose the other card and we had a good conversation, but it was tough. It probably shouldn't be, but it was.
As a corollary to this observation, I have become aware of something about myself today. I actually mellow and mature, at least a little, with age given the right circumstances. I was a crazy aggressive driver, until I moved to MD for a few years. In the face of far more insane drivers, I became a very good driver. I still get where I need to go very well, but not with the bad attitude previously displayed and felt. It appears my son has created the same response in my as it relates to competition. Until Bryce was about 2 or 3, I was one of the more competitive people you would ever meet. I would race my wife to the sofa--even if she wasn't racing. Now, in the face of his over the top competitiveness, I find myself much calmer and willing to back off. It is not that I don't prefer winning, but that I seem to deal with losing in a much better manner.
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Friday, September 26, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
A hardened heart or a workmanlike attitude?
As several of you are already aware, this week began with a jolt of tragedy. Monday morning at around 5:30am I received a phone call informing me that one of my employees had been killed the night before in a motorcycle accident. My reactions and responses to this news have caused me to face some difficult questions. First of all, I once again had to face the odd internal contradiction I have been dealing with for years: I am confident beyond all measure that I am saved from my sins (of which there are too many to count) and redeemed by the sacrifice of Christ and therefore will spend eternity in heaven but yet death is still my greatest fear. I suppose since my life has been a mass of contradictions, this shouldn't bother me, but it does.
To complete the stage setting you should know that I had spoken with this woman, Devin, just two days prior. I was planning to complete her review this week, and it wasn't going to be a positive one. For various reasons we were considering seeking a replacement for her.
Monday arrived and I received the call. Certainly shock and sadness at the tragedy were my first reactions, but I am ashamed to admit they did not last very long. Oh, I suppose the shock did, but the sadness turned to curiosity--what caused the accident, were the riders wearing a helmet, etc. Even as I was formulating a plan to inform our employees and help them deal with the loss, both emotionally and physically, selfishness crept in. I'm ashamed to say I began to wonder how this would affect my plans. Would I need to change my travel plans. While I knew I would do what is necessary, I'm sorry to say I was wondering about me. It breaks my heart even to write those words and it has not been true for previous passings I have dealt with, but it was true here. I suppose everyone deals with shock and death in their own way, but I couldn't help wondering what this said about me.
Later, on my drive home that evening, an emotional brick finally hit me. You see, Devin left behind a 6 year old boy. I get emotional even now imagining being forced to have the conversation with my 5 year old son Bryce explaining his mommy was never coming home. He has had to deal with the death of people he loved very much already, but nothing takes the place of a parent for a child. I know that more deeply than I would like. I did shed a few tears and that thought has stayed with me, especially in light of the ridiculous family drama that has surrounded Devin's estate (including her body) that has yet to be resolved.
This weekend, in a seemingly unconnected event, we visited my father. I specifically asked him for a ride on his new motorcycle. He took me on about a 10 minute ride and it was nice. That may seem like a small event to many of you, but it was, and is, very powerful to me. Between the fact that Devin had died in a motorcycle accident only days earlier and that the last time I rode on a motorcycle with my father was the day I fell off when I was 2 years old and he kept driving and I didn't see him again for 6 years it was meaningful.
Cheerful thoughts, eh?
To complete the stage setting you should know that I had spoken with this woman, Devin, just two days prior. I was planning to complete her review this week, and it wasn't going to be a positive one. For various reasons we were considering seeking a replacement for her.
Monday arrived and I received the call. Certainly shock and sadness at the tragedy were my first reactions, but I am ashamed to admit they did not last very long. Oh, I suppose the shock did, but the sadness turned to curiosity--what caused the accident, were the riders wearing a helmet, etc. Even as I was formulating a plan to inform our employees and help them deal with the loss, both emotionally and physically, selfishness crept in. I'm ashamed to say I began to wonder how this would affect my plans. Would I need to change my travel plans. While I knew I would do what is necessary, I'm sorry to say I was wondering about me. It breaks my heart even to write those words and it has not been true for previous passings I have dealt with, but it was true here. I suppose everyone deals with shock and death in their own way, but I couldn't help wondering what this said about me.
Later, on my drive home that evening, an emotional brick finally hit me. You see, Devin left behind a 6 year old boy. I get emotional even now imagining being forced to have the conversation with my 5 year old son Bryce explaining his mommy was never coming home. He has had to deal with the death of people he loved very much already, but nothing takes the place of a parent for a child. I know that more deeply than I would like. I did shed a few tears and that thought has stayed with me, especially in light of the ridiculous family drama that has surrounded Devin's estate (including her body) that has yet to be resolved.
This weekend, in a seemingly unconnected event, we visited my father. I specifically asked him for a ride on his new motorcycle. He took me on about a 10 minute ride and it was nice. That may seem like a small event to many of you, but it was, and is, very powerful to me. Between the fact that Devin had died in a motorcycle accident only days earlier and that the last time I rode on a motorcycle with my father was the day I fell off when I was 2 years old and he kept driving and I didn't see him again for 6 years it was meaningful.
Cheerful thoughts, eh?
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