A Timely Reward

I am employed again!!! And thus the McPherson household let out a collective sigh of relief, shout of joy, and prayer of thankfulness! As most of you probably know by now, the interview in New Hampshire went well. In contrast to the opinion of those who really know me, the people at Brookstone determined I was, in fact, sane. :) On my trip I went through 3 interviews (including the EVP of the company, the Director of HR, and the Director of Marketing) and was subjected to 2500 (yes, that many!) questions of assessment. The HR folks then called several of my references and spoke to each of them for over 1/2 hour. Then, thank the blessed heavens, they called to offer me the job. As of tomorrow I am officially a District Manager for Brookstone responsible for 14 stores in Michigan and Pittsburgh. While it is over 30% less money than my previous job which will make us very tight financially, the upside is huge. I like the company, I like my job, I like the person I report to, and I like the product. The company is profitable and growing and they prefer to promote from within. If all is a good as advertised, it should be a great opportunity. It will be very challenging, but I am extremely excited about it. Despite being a retail job other than November and December, it will be primarily 9-5 M-F. I get a company car which means Rissa is no longer stranded. She has only had access to a vehicle for a few months of our more than 11 years of marraige. Now we need to do a very delicate financial dance to make the transition and hopefully all will be well. It truly is amazing how close we seem to come to disaster--we apparently have a sick need to live at the brink starting into the abyss--before being able to see the path God has for us. I am deeply grateful for the experience and have learned some valuable lessons, but I would not care to repeat it anytime soon.

That Moment

It seems that, once again, I have arrived at 'that moment.' The moment that makes it clear why some of my best friends say they are jealous of me half of the time and thankful they are not me half of the time. The moment when everyone waits to see what God will do, because the situation has become so dire that He is the only one who can do anything to make it right. The moment where fear, excitement, worry, eagerness, and a myriad of other emotions all clamor for attention in the murkiness that seems to shroud my life. We are at that point, you see.

I am flying tonight to New Hampshire. Tomorrow I will meet with senior HR personnel at Brookstone headquarters and undergo a nearly 7 hour 'assessment' that promises to be grueling and not a ton of fun. The next day I will be told the results, which are admittedly subjective. Assuming the results are good I will be offered a job. This job is one I would enjoy and would allow us to both pay the bills and stay in Ann Arbor. It is a substantially lower paying job than the one I left, but still very good and I would enjoy it much more.

The flip side is that if I don't get the job offer, we face financial catastrophe the likes of which I have not experienced since I was a child. For those who have known me for a while, that is saying something. I am committed to doing whatever is necessary to take care of my family, but without this position there is nothing in my current view that will make that in any way easy. That, of course creates challenges, both emotionally and spiritually of its own.

I must say that, maybe for the first time in my life I have felt a peace even in the midst of all this uncertainty. I can't explain the peace as it makes no earthly sense, but I am certainly thankful for it. My wife has commented on it more than once. Hopefully this peace is just an inner, unconscious confidence that God will place me where he wants me and a knowledge that I don't have to worry as long as I rest in Him.

So, I head off to the airport now to confront 'that moment'. Whee. :)

The Long Vacation

Well, I try to imagine its a vacation. Unfortunately it isn't. For only the second time in my adult life, I am unemployed. A mix of feelings accompany this state for me. I feel oddly relieved because I had grown so frustrated and stressed where I was. I feel the beginnings of panic as I wonder how and whether I will be able to take care of my family. Money may not be everything, but it does pay the bills--if you have it. I feel bitter and angry because of how my state of unemployment came about. I feel inadequate and like a failure and find myself wondering if I'm really any good at all. I feel stressed because I know how difficult this must be for my family. I feel hope that I might find something more suitable. I feel honored as so many friends have already rallied in support around us. I feel a bit lost as I'm not used to having *any* free time, much less most of every day. I feel frustrated because I'm not in control. These thoughts and so many more repeatedly rumbling and dancing through my mind make it very difficult to concentrate. The result is I'm like a pathethic little goldfish wandering from one shiny object to another. I'm praying for peace, looking for a job, and hoping for provision.

A hardened heart or a workmanlike attitude?

As several of you are already aware, this week began with a jolt of tragedy. Monday morning at around 5:30am I received a phone call informing me that one of my employees had been killed the night before in a motorcycle accident. My reactions and responses to this news have caused me to face some difficult questions. First of all, I once again had to face the odd internal contradiction I have been dealing with for years: I am confident beyond all measure that I am saved from my sins (of which there are too many to count) and redeemed by the sacrifice of Christ and therefore will spend eternity in heaven but yet death is still my greatest fear. I suppose since my life has been a mass of contradictions, this shouldn't bother me, but it does.

To complete the stage setting you should know that I had spoken with this woman, Devin, just two days prior. I was planning to complete her review this week, and it wasn't going to be a positive one. For various reasons we were considering seeking a replacement for her.

Monday arrived and I received the call. Certainly shock and sadness at the tragedy were my first reactions, but I am ashamed to admit they did not last very long. Oh, I suppose the shock did, but the sadness turned to curiosity--what caused the accident, were the riders wearing a helmet, etc. Even as I was formulating a plan to inform our employees and help them deal with the loss, both emotionally and physically, selfishness crept in. I'm ashamed to say I began to wonder how this would affect my plans. Would I need to change my travel plans. While I knew I would do what is necessary, I'm sorry to say I was wondering about me. It breaks my heart even to write those words and it has not been true for previous passings I have dealt with, but it was true here. I suppose everyone deals with shock and death in their own way, but I couldn't help wondering what this said about me.

Later, on my drive home that evening, an emotional brick finally hit me. You see, Devin left behind a 6 year old boy. I get emotional even now imagining being forced to have the conversation with my 5 year old son Bryce explaining his mommy was never coming home. He has had to deal with the death of people he loved very much already, but nothing takes the place of a parent for a child. I know that more deeply than I would like. I did shed a few tears and that thought has stayed with me, especially in light of the ridiculous family drama that has surrounded Devin's estate (including her body) that has yet to be resolved.

This weekend, in a seemingly unconnected event, we visited my father. I specifically asked him for a ride on his new motorcycle. He took me on about a 10 minute ride and it was nice. That may seem like a small event to many of you, but it was, and is, very powerful to me. Between the fact that Devin had died in a motorcycle accident only days earlier and that the last time I rode on a motorcycle with my father was the day I fell off when I was 2 years old and he kept driving and I didn't see him again for 6 years it was meaningful.

Cheerful thoughts, eh?